You just have to cry. You have to get it up and out of your system. You have to let the pain drain away from you, you have to release your sorrow into the Universe.
Right now I am crying. For no particular reason and for every reason you can think of. For life, for love, for tears, for pain, for lessons learned who's afterbite still stings. For, well...everything. I had such a drastic change of scenery so quickly and I'm always so optomistic and positive that I never gave a moment to look back at where I'd come out of. It's like knowing you survived a war, and feeling victorious, until you look back at all the casualities and wreckage that lay behind you. And though you're still glad to be standing, the sadness of all the loss...still hurts. And that's where I am...crying, over the casualties of life lessons.
My life is blessed and I am living in a much higher place than ever before. But I am still human and I still have my emotional days. Thinking of all that I have lost to gain this better state of being, makes my heart hurt. Loss of friends, loss of lovers, loss of family ties. All that had completely served their purpose and am glad that I had and happy they came to an end before they became detrimental to my life's purpose. But to lose, anything, even something not good for you, hurts. Especially if it was close to you. Especially if you loved it.
I loved my ex, we didn't work, we were not beneficial to each other. I am glad that it ended before it destroyed me, but I still loved him. I still care for him deeply. I loved the man in my life that hurt me the most, yes I will say his name because Im past it, and my life is on a new plane. Jerry was my heart, and he broke it. And I let him. And it hurts. I loved him, and our affair served a divine purpose however, it was not healthy either. Neither was my relationship with my best friend, his sister. Yet I still love her all the same.
I love my mother, yet I kno in this life we won't be close as we once were. I know that on some level I am a dissapointment to her, and that hurts like hell. I miss my sister, I miss her laughter, her spirit and the preciousness of her youth that kept me young. I miss singing with my father in the car, I miss the talks I used to have with my mother. I miss the easiness of my youth. I miss the optomism and innocence of my youth. I miss the spirit of New York that lives in my ten year old soul. I miss my brother, I miss my grandparents. I cry for them, I cry for past hurts. I cry because I feel very much alone in this moment. And though I am aware that I am not, it doesn't stop the pain from coming.
And sometimes, when it gets to be too much. Sometimes when the hurts swells and suffocates, sometimes when the world feels ad if it's closing in. Sometimes....you just have to cry.
And so I am.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
UNpretty
So its 7 am. And I really haven't gotten any sleep since yesterday. I geared myself for a night on the town with my fam bam, since I am starting the work around the clock schedule soon and all this free time will soon be gone. We went out to eat, watched scary movies. We joked, we laughed. And then we got the urge to play truth or dare. (My dumb idea mind you). Now keep in mind that Young Boi, you know the one I mentioned earlier, was here so...my heart went a pitter patter and I was go'n give it my best shot. So what he's younger? I thought. So what that we just met...so what??? There's a spark here. Right?
Wrong. So wrong. Never have I felt more like the misplaced girl with a crush on the captain of the football squad. I'm embarassed ashamed, and feel very...very UNpretty. I'm aware of every single out of place hair. Every mark...my cumbersome glasses. I feel nerdy, and unwanted. Like the girl who gets picked last for soccer. I'm so self aware of me and my ganglyness, my height, my coarse tighlty curled two inch hair. I feel...out of place somehow. Like I stumbled onto the popular people's table only to get laughed away. A twenty year old just told me I have a staring problem. My life is officially done. I don't feel confident and sexy as I once thought I was. I feel ugly, and uncomfortable...and like I made a fool of myself. *sigh* I don't like this feeling. Not one bit. It makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out. It makes me want to cry. But all I can do is laugh, for expecting more from someone who graduated the year after my little brother. I don't know, maybe this whole relocation thing has got me antsy. Maybe it's the hormones. Whatever it is, I am officially that girl who doesn't fit in. And before I go running into my hole...I'll just find another table to sit at. One where who I am, is more important that what I look like.
Signing Out
Ugly Duckling
Wrong. So wrong. Never have I felt more like the misplaced girl with a crush on the captain of the football squad. I'm embarassed ashamed, and feel very...very UNpretty. I'm aware of every single out of place hair. Every mark...my cumbersome glasses. I feel nerdy, and unwanted. Like the girl who gets picked last for soccer. I'm so self aware of me and my ganglyness, my height, my coarse tighlty curled two inch hair. I feel...out of place somehow. Like I stumbled onto the popular people's table only to get laughed away. A twenty year old just told me I have a staring problem. My life is officially done. I don't feel confident and sexy as I once thought I was. I feel ugly, and uncomfortable...and like I made a fool of myself. *sigh* I don't like this feeling. Not one bit. It makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out. It makes me want to cry. But all I can do is laugh, for expecting more from someone who graduated the year after my little brother. I don't know, maybe this whole relocation thing has got me antsy. Maybe it's the hormones. Whatever it is, I am officially that girl who doesn't fit in. And before I go running into my hole...I'll just find another table to sit at. One where who I am, is more important that what I look like.
Signing Out
Ugly Duckling
Friday, August 7, 2009
Business and Pleasure
So today was another day at my new job. It's been okay. I mean I'm pretty much doing the same thing I was doing before but now I'm doing it surrounded by urbanista's, diva's and more black folk I can shake a stick at! My head is spinning. Going from as I dubbed myself "one black girl" in a sea of white, to a multihued blend of a never ending chocolate river is...a bit overwhelming. At the same time I couldn't be loving it more. I love to see "us" in all our array and splender. We are some of the most amazing LOOKING people, not to mention just our entire being is the business. Badabababaaaa, I'm sooo loving it!
But lemme jump to what's really on my mind. I've given you a little background on Chocolate City aka ATL so you can imagine, there's some chocolicious men as well. So here's the thing...when I applied for the job there was a bartender there...let's call him Joe. And no...Joe aint his name, work with me here. So I lock eyes with Joe and I get all tingly inside. Now he's no Adonis, but his aura resonates sexy...or more specifically...just sex. It's like an ever beating drum coming from his core. He has that playa thing down to a science. Now in a resteraunt made of 90% black women that aura has GOT to win him some points. And it shows. So, speeding up the story...I'm in training, thusly, I have to follow somebody. And looky looky here who it is...Joe.
*sigh* As I realized I'd be in his presence all day long, with not a moment that we weren't attached at the hip all sorts of naughty things came to mind. This man gives me sexy, on a platter with a slice of lime. He just owns it...it's what one would call "swagga"(i hate that word though). smh. He's everything I like, and everything I DONT need.
If ya didn't know, which Im sure you dont since I haven't updated this bad boy in ages...Im celebate. And yes the real kinda celebate. Cold turkey and cold showers celebate. I made that decision once me and old flame began to burn up so high that all that was left of me was ashes. And then I spread those ashes all around Greenville,SC. I was hot and I was broken. I was damaging an already damaged vessel. And so now that I'm on my way to healing...I had to stop the things that were making me sick. Makes sense? Ok well now that you know THAT, you have to understand how *Joe* is kickin my ass with this energy he's giving out. Part of me, the lustful, snarling creature in me wants him to beat it out the frame. Serve it up hot and ready like $5 dollar pizza from Pizza Hut! My body is not listening to my spirit and my mind when I say that I don't like, need or want any. My cootchie tells me I'm lying!
But alas, feelings fade, and I realize that I can withstand temptation...it's just when temptation is inches from your face and you can see it and smell it...and it smells just like sex...its hard to stay focused. But I shall overcome! Im strong and Im serious about my stance. Sleeping with someone is like letting them brand you with an iron on the inside. Even if it's protected sex, your essences join together. You and said person, on a spiritual and metaphysical level, ya'll are joined forever. And Joe the bartender really aint someone I'm trying to join with FOREVER. I think I'd have alot of company on that train, you know what I mean. So I'll try to stay clear of him and his energy. Now let's see if I can say the same for Young Boi. Oh, who's he...you'll here more about him later. There's more to that story. Til then, signing off. I need to go take another shower.
But lemme jump to what's really on my mind. I've given you a little background on Chocolate City aka ATL so you can imagine, there's some chocolicious men as well. So here's the thing...when I applied for the job there was a bartender there...let's call him Joe. And no...Joe aint his name, work with me here. So I lock eyes with Joe and I get all tingly inside. Now he's no Adonis, but his aura resonates sexy...or more specifically...just sex. It's like an ever beating drum coming from his core. He has that playa thing down to a science. Now in a resteraunt made of 90% black women that aura has GOT to win him some points. And it shows. So, speeding up the story...I'm in training, thusly, I have to follow somebody. And looky looky here who it is...Joe.
*sigh* As I realized I'd be in his presence all day long, with not a moment that we weren't attached at the hip all sorts of naughty things came to mind. This man gives me sexy, on a platter with a slice of lime. He just owns it...it's what one would call "swagga"(i hate that word though). smh. He's everything I like, and everything I DONT need.
If ya didn't know, which Im sure you dont since I haven't updated this bad boy in ages...Im celebate. And yes the real kinda celebate. Cold turkey and cold showers celebate. I made that decision once me and old flame began to burn up so high that all that was left of me was ashes. And then I spread those ashes all around Greenville,SC. I was hot and I was broken. I was damaging an already damaged vessel. And so now that I'm on my way to healing...I had to stop the things that were making me sick. Makes sense? Ok well now that you know THAT, you have to understand how *Joe* is kickin my ass with this energy he's giving out. Part of me, the lustful, snarling creature in me wants him to beat it out the frame. Serve it up hot and ready like $5 dollar pizza from Pizza Hut! My body is not listening to my spirit and my mind when I say that I don't like, need or want any. My cootchie tells me I'm lying!
But alas, feelings fade, and I realize that I can withstand temptation...it's just when temptation is inches from your face and you can see it and smell it...and it smells just like sex...its hard to stay focused. But I shall overcome! Im strong and Im serious about my stance. Sleeping with someone is like letting them brand you with an iron on the inside. Even if it's protected sex, your essences join together. You and said person, on a spiritual and metaphysical level, ya'll are joined forever. And Joe the bartender really aint someone I'm trying to join with FOREVER. I think I'd have alot of company on that train, you know what I mean. So I'll try to stay clear of him and his energy. Now let's see if I can say the same for Young Boi. Oh, who's he...you'll here more about him later. There's more to that story. Til then, signing off. I need to go take another shower.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Hello Old Friend!
Wow it's been about six months since I've updated on this little diddy. (in Ms. Ceily voice) I just want to say I love you...and Im...not...dead. LOL. So there's no possible way to update all that has been going on with me in one post but I'll do a dry attempt at an abbreviated update.*sigh* (we all know how hard it is for me to abbreviate ANYTHING). Anywho, in most recent news I've started a sister blog (thirty minutes ago) called the Chatterbox Files. And boy, am I excited about it. I dont know how many posts I want to do today simply because the point of an all inclusive pop culture, lets talk about it, mosh posh blog is to take interesting things and post them day by day. Not dump a pound of random on people in one sitting. So I have to hold my horses. At least till tomorrow. And THEN the fun begins. I was skeptical of keeping this blog in view since, these precious gems, really are my personal thoughts...and I want to be pretty ambigious about my own comings and goings...as I intend to make this sister blog GREAT!!! Im excited, we shall do big things.
Again, I said TRY to be abbreviated. In this particular situation, birdwalking is not only allowed but encouraged. Im not gonna curb my thought process for the sake of word count. So in not so recent news, me and my beloved friend of three years parted ways. (i know, i know lets the sobbing begin). It was high time though...that monstrousity of a relationship began to get so toxic even I couldnt detox from it. It had to die. So die it did. In May 2009 my friendship died. It had a brief resurection on my birthday but nonetheless...its no longer with us.
And my parents and I fought, and they told me I had to move, and I moved, and I got the car, and I started a new life, and I got a new job..and...and...AND.
My life is just different. Completely.
I look at my life now and wonder what the hell I was doing beforehand. All that crying and sniveling and rolling around in my own misery, it was just pitiful. But I respect that I had to be THERE, to get HERE and here is so very nice. Im surrounded by family who love me, I have independence and so much waiting on me I can't even wait to start! So much changed so quickly, it seems as if it happened overnight. But the morning after has been so worth it.
And now Im free to name names and do whatever it is I please because I got it like that and these are my words and this is my blog. You dont like it (points) there's the door. There's always a way to navigate passed anything you DONT want to see so...in that vien Im'a close this post by saying: I love my life, I love those who love me...and Im happy as heck to be here!!! See ya soon.
Not so much just one black girl anymore...but a WOMAN surrounded by an army of friends, fam and angels.
Out
Again, I said TRY to be abbreviated. In this particular situation, birdwalking is not only allowed but encouraged. Im not gonna curb my thought process for the sake of word count. So in not so recent news, me and my beloved friend of three years parted ways. (i know, i know lets the sobbing begin). It was high time though...that monstrousity of a relationship began to get so toxic even I couldnt detox from it. It had to die. So die it did. In May 2009 my friendship died. It had a brief resurection on my birthday but nonetheless...its no longer with us.
And my parents and I fought, and they told me I had to move, and I moved, and I got the car, and I started a new life, and I got a new job..and...and...AND.
My life is just different. Completely.
I look at my life now and wonder what the hell I was doing beforehand. All that crying and sniveling and rolling around in my own misery, it was just pitiful. But I respect that I had to be THERE, to get HERE and here is so very nice. Im surrounded by family who love me, I have independence and so much waiting on me I can't even wait to start! So much changed so quickly, it seems as if it happened overnight. But the morning after has been so worth it.
And now Im free to name names and do whatever it is I please because I got it like that and these are my words and this is my blog. You dont like it (points) there's the door. There's always a way to navigate passed anything you DONT want to see so...in that vien Im'a close this post by saying: I love my life, I love those who love me...and Im happy as heck to be here!!! See ya soon.
Not so much just one black girl anymore...but a WOMAN surrounded by an army of friends, fam and angels.
Out
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Resurface of Far Away Friend
Mmmmtay! My life has been pretty boring lately and as I've said on other blog mediums I'm realizing I have way more technological outlets than human ones. So in 2009 I'm gonna do su'm bout that. If I MUST be on the computer and the phone aint ringin and inbox is empty I'ma jus chalk it up to God tellin me aint nothing new for me to kno or to connect to today when it comes to people.
Speaking of....faraway friend is back. I had completely written him off. Not in anger but in "oh well...another one bites the dust, count it as an L and put it on the shelf." Wouldn't be the first time and definitely not the last. But tada here he is again and since I'm in limbo to my new life...I'm primed and ready for someone to come in and DISRUPT that with their personal stuff. (not to be negative, it really isnt a bad thing.) I was glad to hear from him sincerely. Since we started on some "groupie" stuff (long story) I was glad he still considered me friendable! But at the same time putting into perspective the nature of this relationship which is stuck in the world of cyperspace. I HATE THAT!!! I cant help it. I do.
The internet is a wonderful tool dont get me wrong. And I love meeting interesting people cuz all in all we all jus people that happen to have computers BUT if I'm gonna call u a friend. A REAL friend at some point I want to put foot to ars (conversationally speaking). I want to hear ur voice and the inflections in it. I want to kno when ur sad and happy and hear u laugh when something's funny. CUZ WE'RE FREINDS AFTER ALL AND THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO!
Either way tho I've realized, my assumptions of certain situations were right. I mean I've lived a lot of life in 21 years and I also have a pretty old spirit so its no surprise. I more cognizant that the average bear of my own and other's actions and the basis of them.
So faraway friend and I are back on (for now). I have a feeling we gots a lot of hang ups, more on his part than mine, but I still pray for God to bless our friendhip and to bless his journey. Near or far, internet or no...if I'm a friend then that's what I am. I love the people I love but I will not take shorts for no-bo-dy!
Not even him.
So till next time...I'll peace out. Oh and I'ma pray on me STILL somehow bein jealous of something I need not be and mindin other folks bizness. Pray for me!
JOBG
Speaking of....faraway friend is back. I had completely written him off. Not in anger but in "oh well...another one bites the dust, count it as an L and put it on the shelf." Wouldn't be the first time and definitely not the last. But tada here he is again and since I'm in limbo to my new life...I'm primed and ready for someone to come in and DISRUPT that with their personal stuff. (not to be negative, it really isnt a bad thing.) I was glad to hear from him sincerely. Since we started on some "groupie" stuff (long story) I was glad he still considered me friendable! But at the same time putting into perspective the nature of this relationship which is stuck in the world of cyperspace. I HATE THAT!!! I cant help it. I do.
The internet is a wonderful tool dont get me wrong. And I love meeting interesting people cuz all in all we all jus people that happen to have computers BUT if I'm gonna call u a friend. A REAL friend at some point I want to put foot to ars (conversationally speaking). I want to hear ur voice and the inflections in it. I want to kno when ur sad and happy and hear u laugh when something's funny. CUZ WE'RE FREINDS AFTER ALL AND THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO!
Either way tho I've realized, my assumptions of certain situations were right. I mean I've lived a lot of life in 21 years and I also have a pretty old spirit so its no surprise. I more cognizant that the average bear of my own and other's actions and the basis of them.
So faraway friend and I are back on (for now). I have a feeling we gots a lot of hang ups, more on his part than mine, but I still pray for God to bless our friendhip and to bless his journey. Near or far, internet or no...if I'm a friend then that's what I am. I love the people I love but I will not take shorts for no-bo-dy!
Not even him.
So till next time...I'll peace out. Oh and I'ma pray on me STILL somehow bein jealous of something I need not be and mindin other folks bizness. Pray for me!
JOBG
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