Sometimes...

You just have to cry. You have to get it up and out of your system. You have to let the pain drain away from you, you have to release your sorrow into the Universe.

Right now I am crying. For no particular reason and for every reason you can think of. For life, for love, for tears, for pain, for lessons learned who's afterbite still stings. For, well...everything. I had such a drastic change of scenery so quickly and I'm always so optomistic and positive that I never gave a moment to look back at where I'd come out of. It's like knowing you survived a war, and feeling victorious, until you look back at all the casualities and wreckage that lay behind you. And though you're still glad to be standing, the sadness of all the loss...still hurts. And that's where I am...crying, over the casualties of life lessons.

My life is blessed and I am living in a much higher place than ever before. But I am still human and I still have my emotional days. Thinking of all that I have lost to gain this better state of being, makes my heart hurt. Loss of friends, loss of lovers, loss of family ties. All that had completely served their purpose and am glad that I had and happy they came to an end before they became detrimental to my life's purpose. But to lose, anything, even something not good for you, hurts. Especially if it was close to you. Especially if you loved it.

I loved my ex, we didn't work, we were not beneficial to each other. I am glad that it ended before it destroyed me, but I still loved him. I still care for him deeply. I loved the man in my life that hurt me the most, yes I will say his name because Im past it, and my life is on a new plane. Jerry was my heart, and he broke it. And I let him. And it hurts. I loved him, and our affair served a divine purpose however, it was not healthy either. Neither was my relationship with my best friend, his sister. Yet I still love her all the same.

I love my mother, yet I kno in this life we won't be close as we once were. I know that on some level I am a dissapointment to her, and that hurts like hell. I miss my sister, I miss her laughter, her spirit and the preciousness of her youth that kept me young. I miss singing with my father in the car, I miss the talks I used to have with my mother. I miss the easiness of my youth. I miss the optomism and innocence of my youth. I miss the spirit of New York that lives in my ten year old soul. I miss my brother, I miss my grandparents. I cry for them, I cry for past hurts. I cry because I feel very much alone in this moment. And though I am aware that I am not, it doesn't stop the pain from coming.

And sometimes, when it gets to be too much. Sometimes when the hurts swells and suffocates, sometimes when the world feels ad if it's closing in. Sometimes....you just have to cry.
And so I am.