Oh there's no place like home.....

Ahhh the holiday season. How it can bring out the best or worst in u and the ones u love. How many family arguments started at Christmas and lasted all the way until NEXT CHRISTMAS!!!(church can I get an amen). Wellllll...my vaca was fun, short lived but fun! Certain things that needed to be accomplished got done. Others...still stand undecided.
I can officially say that HE is something I'm okay with letting go of. While always keeping the hope. As I move into the next direction, I have a feeling he'll move with me. I'm confident of that fact.
Now this other person, not so sure. Im very very upset with my best of friend right now. For many and varied a reason but since she wont pick up her PHONE so I can clear this air right now I'll write it out.
You ever been out with ur girls and ya'll are kickin, having a too good time and then one of their "friends" show up. You kno the "friend" that can suck the fun out of Disney World. The "friend" that can't see ur friend happy with nobody else but them? Yeeeeahhh, I've had such a friend and we stayed friends for three years till I decided it wasnt worth my time to continue in the "friendship". Now my bestie has the same plague. And this person is one of the reason she and I did not speak to each for almost a whole MONTH (like seven years in best friend time). And here they are again deflating a wonderfully floating balloon. I have alot invested in our friendship that I am planning (emphasis on "planning") on making a partnership as well. But the balloon deflating distraction creating person is gonna sink this boat before it ever goes out to sea! AHHHHHH why does this keep happening????
I just want one reliable friend is that so hard. I even had a fleeting moment of frustration about far away friend but I been gave that up to God. This is killing me. Like are we SERIOUS! All I want to do is move forward with my life without knowing I'm doing it all alone. I might just take my mom's advice and get a damn dog! (I would if it would raise my rent $250!) Friends are the life's blood of relationships, with no friendship, love cant grow and partnerships end. But good golly jeez!(that was so corny-wow!) I-am-so-fed-up!
Word to wise: Know where ur butter is toasted! Get over urself and ur feelings and recognize who ur REAL friends are. The people who'd take a bullet for u. The folks who'd stand on the block with and for u. Stop giving fly by night people first rank sitting in the spot where ur true blues should be sitting. Or u'll look back at the chair and find urself alone. I really am angry right now and the spirit of doubtfulness is kickin my ass. Help! LORD RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT!
Ima chill and call AGAIN (like I doubt she doesnt have her phone, SHE ALWAYS HAS HER PHONE!) and try to salvage my sanity. Over and out
JOBG

So HE responded

For the last couple of days, maybe even a week or so I've been mulling and pining over the lack of communication between I and people with whom I either felt I had unfinished business with, or lack of understanding. I like to control things. The moment I took my hand off the wheel and gave GOD control....HE responded. Now this is not my faraway friend, far away friend and I are on two different planets. If we are to align it'll take God's hand moving because I'm gonna keep it trucking. Take the signs when they're shown to you because IF u ignore them they're just gonna get louder and brighter until they get ur attention.

But HE...HE I didnt expect to hear from until the time it took for me to muster enough courage from within to find my own "closure". I had slightly closed the book because I knew if I slammed it shut HARD I'd hurt my hand in the process. Now it's gently closed...almost. I wrote HIM a letter. I'm still gonna give it to him. I feel all the things he needed to know are in it.

I'll eventually get used to the fact that HE and I were just not meant to be. My carelessness with my emotions with the situation is part of the reason I'm feeling a dull ache right now. HE's a wonderful person, and HE deserves happiness. But now I know...so do I. It's a test of my theories and promises to myself hearing from HIM. I told myself all the things I was gonna do and promised I'd do. He's test number one...and I'm passing. I'm hurt but I'm not devestated because I'm not living in my hurt. I have entirely too much to do to focus on things I can't control. I'm focusing on the things that I can and asking God for the wisdom to know the difference.

But I cant lie...I'm surprised HE finally did respond, as gentemanly and sweetly as I could've asked him to. I so wanted for him to be a jerk about the situation, that'd made it easier. But all in all HE and ME are not meant to be...together that is. As long as I'm breathing HE will always be my friend, though.

He's just a friend I thought I wanted to marry....go figure?
Till next time
JOBG

My mommy's the bomb

So another day another dollar. Or lack thereof should i say. LOL. But I just have to say, I love my momma. She's the ultimate bestest. Even when we dont get along I still understand and respect her cuz I'm SO MUCH LIKE HER. She'll say things out her mouth that I was thinking. Sometimes that's frustrating bc I'll think she's saying it bc she doesnt think I know it. There goes that need to be right again. But through our ups and downs I realize...nobody gets me like my mommy gets me. And I thank God that I have her.

I again was about to slap the taste out of somebody's mouth at work. Some people are just so bogged down in negativity that they just say the darndest things. And little do they know that they may be running into an ass wooping. But I didnt go postal (though I wanted to, my pimp hand was itching) I realize that my time at this place is slowly drying up. God is moving and clearing things out the way to make place for new. And because of that the old is not fitting no more like a too tight sweater.

Im still in my head, still counting the days till I can peace out of this town! I'm so ready for my new experiences, I'm so ready for my new lease on life. I'm so ready to finally breathe! It's gonna be a tough road but for the first time in my 21 years...it'll be my road. All me, all the time. Scary, huh? But as scared as I am I'm READY. Bring it on. God, me and my angels we up for it. So whatchu got? Bring it baby!!! lol.

Still not stunting nobody's man. The male species(as LOVELY as they are sometimes) is not on the top, middle or bottom on my list. I need closure in some areas involving them but after that (breathe in and exhale) smmooooooothe sailing baby. haha. School, work, work, school, improvement of life, goals and success. Might not be some people's idea of fun but after 3 years of wasting my life energy it is definitely mine. MY LIFE here I come.

I still have no new messages in my inbox. It still stings a little but it's wearing off. Day by day, bit by bit, I'm taking my life back. U can't take my joy devil!!!!!!!!!! Until next time
JOBG

Bah Humbug!

I am so...not happy right now. The spirit of negativity has laid residence in my being. Why am I so unhappy you ask? Especially given my enlightened nature not a day ago. Well blame it on syking urself out. Blame it on lonliness, a sense of rejection and singing the same ol song when ur trying to change ur tune. Now granted, this is just a funk and I am so not taking my blessings for granted but one thing on this new path that I am learning to do is accept the fact that I am not gonna be happy all the time and that's alright.

Life's not a movie and u cant be positive everyday. Im human! I get angry. Jus because I'm "spiritually enlightened" now doesnt mean the bad days arent gonna come. So today's a bad day and I'm gonna rant about it. Cool? Thought so. lol

First, I hate my job! NO JOKE ,NO EXAGGERATION!! Yes there's perks like the fact that with little to no consequence I can sit my happy ass in a chair and read a book from time to time. The job is not rocket science, but on a day like today when I'm just really NOT FEELING IT...it tends to wear the nerve. Being around white people all day long whose biggest problems are where to park their Bentley's while I'm struggling to scrape my pennies to get a 400+ apartment .... not my idea of a good time. Faking the funk when I know that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, neither is that something enjoyable. Dealing with their politicking and wah wah wahhhing all F-N day long it's jus like...REALLY? SHUT UP! I'm so serious I was on my way to a mental breakdown.
Not to mention my lovely father was late picking me up (again...Lord please bless me with a car!!!!) and I was feeling like shitake mushrooms(thanks first boyfriend ur qoutable will live on in infamy). And to add insult to injury I have no outlet for my bitchy frustration since my mother's glued to the TV to find out the "ok, and?" news about the little white girl who's been dead for six months. Like....am I the only person hearing crickets? That's about as ground breaking, exciting and newsworthy as Beyonce admitting to her marriage. Like good for u for finally letting us "in" on it but sweetie...been there done that.... so 6 weeks ago. Not to downplay death or murder (though the TV does a good job at that) but EVERY F-N DAY PEOPLE?!?!" This just in the police on Little Caylee's case took a donut break!" Like seriously?I didnt see half this much coverage when Jenifer Hudson's whole FAMILY got murdered. This is three people's LIVES including a little boy. What not cute enough? White enough? Maybe he should've been a little younger to drum up some sympathy. Like JEEEZ LOUIS. SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUP! ( I told u I was bitchy right?)
Im stuck in my head. My friend STILL hasnt emailed me back...I'm getting more and more pissed because my body is not catching up with my head and my circumstances aren't catching up with either one. I want outta here!

I want it to be March so I can step into my furnished, lovely two bedroom in a new city with a new start. I want to crack open my first textbook and smell the new paper from the pack as I let myself cry my final victorious cry of self actualization.

But it's Friday, and my dad's playing his music too loud, and my sister's thirteen so I have to be careful what I discuss with her. My mother's crying for Caylee, my best friends SHOPPING, my ex doesnt matter, the man I want(ed) is probably with his girlfriend...and I'm screaming im my head and noone can hear me.
Oh and plus I have to be a that crapshoot of a job at 9 am tomorrow. Bah FREAKIN Humbug!!! I'ma listen to some Christmas songs and hope that I wake tomorrow and I'm wealthy and it's March and MY biggest problem is where to park MY Bentley (correction: pretty white Range Rover). I'm so over this!
Over and out
JOBG

Hallejah!

Today was a blessed day. Not because anything particularly important happened. I haven't done one thing all day except my little sister hair and ate Chinese. But today is blessed because I had another epiphany. And this time it's real cuz I can feel it. U kno how u feel when ur in love, or inspired? The feeling resonates in ur core and the vibrates throughout your being. It's the power of God and Lord I feel it!
First thing I'm finding is the power not to judge. It's harder than it sounds. We judge every day. We judge people's appereance, their actions. We judge how they walk, talk, what they say. HOW they say it. We are particularly hard on those who we hold expectations for. But it feels so good to forgive others for not being perfect. Or not being what u need them to be. Because they are only doing the best they know how. And it's a blessing because u kno that since they CANT give it to u...to find it somewhere else. It's an amazing thing when ur thinking clearly.Not out of need, or circumstance or hurt.
My feelings were hurt because I reached out to someone who didnt reach back. So I turned that into I'm not good enough. Why dont they like me? Maybe it's not them who has the problem but U! Why is their approval so important to u? What would it mean to u to have it? Why do u feel u need it? When u ask those questions u get to the root of WHY u feel the way you feel.
I've always been a curious child, curious and in love with books. So the WHY question was a popular one. Most times folks obliged me, and most times they ignored me. Or lied to me. But I've always been searching why I felt the way I felt. I guess I have a poet's heart. I think with my emotions. But when they're out of wack so will be ur decision making.
I love to feel love. I love to recieve love. In all it's forms. So I realize and appreciate when those I love, love me. But most humans are not gonna love u correctly. Only those following God's laws of love (THE RIGHT WAY) will love u in a Godly manner. What u have to do is forgive those who do not.
My mommy told me something that is very true: "If people kno better they DO better". Most people go around blaming others for why they feel a certain way. Now granted as long as u live on the earth and have contact with other humans someone is liable to hurt u. But how far do u let them take u? How hurt do u let them make u? It's YOUR life and YOUR emotions!
Nobody has control over ur emotions but U! Cant nobody make u sad or happy without ur letting them first. Take back urself and only those who are worthy of it can affect ur emotions.
I was in a relationship for three years with a man that I thought I could "help" out of his problems. I was in a relationship with a man for THREE YEARS that I thought could "love" away my pain. I thought he could "fix" me and I thought I could "fix" him. God is the only one with the toolbelt. We cant FIX no doggone body! None of us. We can try and hope and pray and waste our life away doing it. U cant help nobody until they want help.
I slept with a man to make me feel "loved" and "worthy". I slept with a man I KNEW was probably sleeping with someone else because I thought he could "fix" me. I gave away my self and my self respect to be held cuz I thought it would make me feel better about myself. It didnt. It brought more pain into my life than before I thought I needed to feel better. All that to say...U are the master of ur fate...and the person who controls ur destiny and emotions. Not ur circumstances, not ur mother, ur father or ur boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, spouse, or mistress. YOU ARE! Once u realize that u take the power back.
I love the silence now. I live for it. I love on myself, hug myself and tell ME I'm beautiful because God says so. And so when I go back out into the world I'm a whole person on a mission to express my wholeness to everyone I come in contact with.
It's just u in the mirror. Only you when the lights go down. Decide what U want and live that way. Heal ur hurt about what others did to u and live despite it. It'll make u stronger and ur light will shine brighter. Live ur truth...be clear and honest. It will make for a better u. I swear.
Over and out
JOBG

If they dont like u they jus DONT LIKE U!

So work was...work! I get so tired of working on somebody's job. But I definitely dont wanna be ungrateful of my blessing. So on to something more important. I've come to a couple of epiphany( i think that's how u spell it...someone get me THESARUS!)

What's on my immediate mind is something I shouldnt even be bothered with. MINDIN OTHER FOLKS BUSINESS! (wondering why Goapele is cursing in this song...Goapele curses?) But that's not what I'm minding. I'm minding the fact that I want a relationship with someone who doesnt want one with me. I kno the melodrama...but this one's interesting bc it's not a romantic relationship. Even though there I times I find myself intrigued by this young man...his friendship is much more of an asset than anything the other else. But what is it about the opposite sex....no matter how much u "just friends" it...even if u've known each other since babies and pacifiers...u begin to wonder if jus for a moment? Fear usually haults that feeling BUT u still thinkin it. So at this moment I aint go'n lie Im thinking it. But there's much I dont kno about him or his situation.

We're far away buddies and I want to bring the distance closer. But I am learning (emphasis on the "learning") to understand jus because u want something to be doesnt mean its meant to be. I find myself in deep desire of worthy friends. I have ONE to name and even she and I part ways on some things. Am I asking too much? Maybe...but I dont think so.

I gave this far away friend some advice that I haven't been following. God gives u the same lesson till u learn it. I'm always reaching for something out of my grasp...if only by a few inches...it's still not there. I have to take it as God saying I'm either not ready for it yet or its not for me.

I'm not really dealing with men or the romantic level for a while (emphasis added!!!!) And for me that step is huge so I dont kno really what I want out of this young man other than closer friendship. I came at him on some other stuff very early on but now I'm sincere JUST FRIENDS. Is it wrong to be bummed that my intuition is telling me that that's just not what he wants?

My wise beyond her years lil sis said "Maybe he's afraid of what it'll mean for yall to be closer (given he has a steady eddy...or rocky eddy to be more specific)?" And darnit if it didnt cross my mind but DANG give me that option! Im a super cool chick...and I just want friendship. Sometimes I really feel like a motherless child on the friendship level cuz everyone NEW keeps me at arms length. It may be there own hangups but GRACIOUS...GET OVER IT! U kno?

But back to me minding other folks bizness. As I've stated he has a steady eddy...he dont go into much detail but i predict cloudy days with this chica. I'm a good judge of character that way and also...I jus FEEL it. They got too many road blocks. And like with most of my male friends I see it waaaay before they see it. She aint the one for u. U may THINK she's the one but...she's not.

He says she deals with his baggage. And I'm thinking "finger clap"...but SO? And we all come with baggage and secrets to tell. Stop thinking ur so broken that only someone who "deals" with ur baggage will be able to make u happy. Other than that...does she make u happy? Huh? My secret intuition tells me no.

Another thing is that I have a motto goin into '09. "IM TOO GROWN FOR THIS!" And i mean it. Yes I'm only 21, yes I realize I have alot of life ahead of me but I've also lived alot of life too. Lots of dysfunction and an abusive relationship later...I'm still here. I've always had a very small tolerance for what I like to call "kiddy shit". (Lord forgive me for cursing). But now the tolerance is even higher. I DONT NEED, LIKE IT OR RECIEVE IT. And this far away friend seems to be surrounded by it. On top of the fact that he's a little wet behind the ears himself. But he's wise beyond that.

We share similar interests and he has a beautiful heart that I can see so clearly. He just seems to be so bogged down in stuff. And in my codependent mind I want to "help" save him. He has so much "potential" that I see. Eurika! And there enlies the problem. I'm always trying to save or be saved by people. Broken people need saving. People who understand themselves no how to SAVE themselves. I need to start looking for healthy relationships not so much in need of all this "saving" and "fixing".

But far away friend is good for a laugh, and a cry and a realization of things I've gone through. He's a good second opinion and I find myself entraced with his intriguing nature. Ok now it sounds like I'm interested in him again. I'm NOT! When I think clearly play the whole tape...I am soooo...not. I'm attracted to things ABOUT him but as I've said before I'm at arms length,so there are many things I dont kno..important things, things that may make me see him in different lighting. He has not deemed me "worthy" of close contact so I can only go on what I know about his past actions. Which is not too bad judge of character, kno?

I care alot about what others think of me (ergo epiphany! i kno i spelled it right that time). I always have. I want people to LIKE me. But truth is not everybody's gonna like u. I've heard it time and again but now...I get it. No matter how u sing, dance, jigg, fix, help, love, kiss, touch, caress, cry, beg, plead...if somebody doesnt like u. They-just-don't-like-u. And that's touchy and it hurts when u equate ur worth to the way others view u. But truth? It dont matter what they think if U KNO that ur a good person. And I kno I am.

I jus wish far away friend and some collection of others did. But even if they dont... even if something in their life story hinders them from seeing how absolutely FREAKIN AWESOME i am. It's their loss. But somehow I feel it's mine. Somehow I still think if I had done this different, done that, been this, said that that I'd get the desired result. Reality is...that aint go'n happen. See above qoute...If they...and so on.

I find myself saying...I'm a better poet than her, I look better than her, she's got a a natural, mine's prettier. I'm thinner, I have better skin....WHY DONT U LIKE MEEEEE! That's the insecure little girl inside screaming for attention. Pick me, like me, love me, accept me. I'm good..look see? But truth? It wont help...see above quote.

Its gonna be a long and painful road ahead with many closed doors. I have to thank God for the closed doors. I have to thank God for the lack of new emails in my inbox. I have to thank God for the phone that doesnt ring, the friend who doesnt write or call back. I have to thank Him because he's teaching me. He's making me stronger. Cuz u kno what I hear Him say with all of the silence. You dont need them...U CAN DO THIS! All by yourself.
I hope I can believe that.
Till next time
JOBG

And so the next day....

Hello world! It is 1:49 pm on a Tuesday. This would be the fortunate (and unfortunate) day that I ALWAYS have off! What's there to do on a Tuesday. I got my "bonus" at work (strong qoutations). It was a 50 dollar gift card to WAL-MART...if I dont live in the country? lol. But I'm grateful to have it so I can finish up the rest of my holiday shopping for the fam and inherited fam. Oh? You dont kno about that? Lemme explain it to you.

I have a family...a BIG one...but circumstances be what they are we're all a little...distant from one other. Disenfranchised (i dont know how u spell that word but I KNOW what it means lol) if you will. So around three years ago I found a friend. Her name was Terri and her family became my family. No less dysfunctional, no less a real family and NOT the Huxtables, but forgiving, caring, open and welcoming and well...at the time my real family was just...not.

Something happens in black families with crisis or problems...we dont stand together because of all the "issues" we tend to just float or in some cases explode apart. Bad things happen...it's not fair but I feel ur supposed to fight through it. That's what makes it a FAMILY...come what may we got each other. Now not to say my family dont got me...I'm typing this from my position relocated at their house after a really bad breakup. (More of that later...). But there's support and then there's unbaised support. The latter tends to have a lot better affect than the other. U can support someone and while supporting them tell them everyday all the time how dissapointed u are that they need ur help in the first place. And then there's unbaised help...where u let someone grow (as long as it's not a detriment to U) and watch them blossom.

Like a baby that doesnt kno how to walk. Would u spank them for falling, I kno some crazy people would, but the normal person would accept the fact that they're still learning and gently lovingly tell them to get back up again. No matter how many times they fall u kno in order for them to truly have confidence that they CAN walk...u gotta let'em fall. And u gotta reassure them that they can get back up again.

Teenagers and young adults...around that time that we begin to despise our parent, their rules, their house, it's becuase we desperately want to walk. Sometimes we're afraid of falling, sometimes we dont think we can walk...and sometimes we may think that if we fall...noone will pick us up. I thought (was convinced) noone would pick me up and lovingly say...try again. You can do it. I have been somewhat right in that assumption and wrong as well. Cuz I'm here and I didnt even think that was an option.

All that to say ( i did say this is a blog for readers didn't I?)...my best friends family was like a safe haven. They didnt judge me...and no we didnt have any of those string filled moments of heart to hearts they just accepted me like I was. Greeted me with hugs, gave good sound advice, saw me with an unjudgmental eye though I'm sure some of things I was doing...was definitely not things they approved of. We all need that. And if because of whatever, we dont get it...it stings. We can understand all day long WHY that doesnt stop the stinging.

So I bought them all really nice really expensive gifts. Not to say "Oh look at me I'm balling!" (which I'm so NOT btw...if I was would I be staying with my parents? I think not). It's because I truly love these people. Every last one of them. I LOVE THEM! As crazy and imperfect as they are...they accept me for my crazy imperfect self too. And they're jus a tad bit less crazy and a tad bit less imperfect than my own folks. Which makes the enviornment jus a tiny bit more chilled.

Dont get me wrong I love my family...but u can love someone without having them drive u to drink! I'm blessed to have all the people in my life that I do. And until the next phase of life comes I will be grateful for what I do have...right in this moment.
Till next time ya'll (i did say i live in the country right???)
JOBG

Hello fellow bloggers!

Hi My name....Micia. My mission...my life. And all the craziness that goes along with it. I recently started down a journey of self discovery...some of those revelations I will share with u. Others...I'll try and describe but since I'm still healing it may take a while.
Im very complex like most humans (tho some would like to pretend they're not!). lol. I like lots of stuff and go through twice more. So there is no direct "plan" for this blog. As it says Im just one black girl. Goin through the trails and lessons that is LIFE. To start Ill say I'm 21...actively searching for my GREATNESS, going back to school, and in everyway possible trying to improve myself and the relationships I surround myself with.
No I'm not a big computer buff so sorry no twittering or constant updates. This is the blog for those with time on their hands...those who still like to read in the tub listening to smooth jazz. Those who do more thinking than talking and those actively trying to figure out...what in the world am I going to do with my life? Moment by moment and the decisions that come with that.
I guess you can get from the title...yep I'm black. Young, African American and living in America in this crazy, crazy time. I'd like to think I'm creative, and though I havent quite found my niche yet... I know God's got extrodinary things in my future.
I like fashion and tho I'm trying my very best not to...talking about celebrities is always entertaining. But I'll try to keep it to a minimum and to the things that I find relevant to US. (us being those who walk around this same earth looking through the eyes that I do everyday).
I love love and I love people and with that I take on each and every day and every task. I one day aspire to be a journalist/author/singer/dancer/actress/wife/mother/woman of God and just all around beautiful reflection of God's greatness. Join me on this journey if ya dare!
Much love till we meet again
JOBG