Hallejah!

Today was a blessed day. Not because anything particularly important happened. I haven't done one thing all day except my little sister hair and ate Chinese. But today is blessed because I had another epiphany. And this time it's real cuz I can feel it. U kno how u feel when ur in love, or inspired? The feeling resonates in ur core and the vibrates throughout your being. It's the power of God and Lord I feel it!
First thing I'm finding is the power not to judge. It's harder than it sounds. We judge every day. We judge people's appereance, their actions. We judge how they walk, talk, what they say. HOW they say it. We are particularly hard on those who we hold expectations for. But it feels so good to forgive others for not being perfect. Or not being what u need them to be. Because they are only doing the best they know how. And it's a blessing because u kno that since they CANT give it to u...to find it somewhere else. It's an amazing thing when ur thinking clearly.Not out of need, or circumstance or hurt.
My feelings were hurt because I reached out to someone who didnt reach back. So I turned that into I'm not good enough. Why dont they like me? Maybe it's not them who has the problem but U! Why is their approval so important to u? What would it mean to u to have it? Why do u feel u need it? When u ask those questions u get to the root of WHY u feel the way you feel.
I've always been a curious child, curious and in love with books. So the WHY question was a popular one. Most times folks obliged me, and most times they ignored me. Or lied to me. But I've always been searching why I felt the way I felt. I guess I have a poet's heart. I think with my emotions. But when they're out of wack so will be ur decision making.
I love to feel love. I love to recieve love. In all it's forms. So I realize and appreciate when those I love, love me. But most humans are not gonna love u correctly. Only those following God's laws of love (THE RIGHT WAY) will love u in a Godly manner. What u have to do is forgive those who do not.
My mommy told me something that is very true: "If people kno better they DO better". Most people go around blaming others for why they feel a certain way. Now granted as long as u live on the earth and have contact with other humans someone is liable to hurt u. But how far do u let them take u? How hurt do u let them make u? It's YOUR life and YOUR emotions!
Nobody has control over ur emotions but U! Cant nobody make u sad or happy without ur letting them first. Take back urself and only those who are worthy of it can affect ur emotions.
I was in a relationship for three years with a man that I thought I could "help" out of his problems. I was in a relationship with a man for THREE YEARS that I thought could "love" away my pain. I thought he could "fix" me and I thought I could "fix" him. God is the only one with the toolbelt. We cant FIX no doggone body! None of us. We can try and hope and pray and waste our life away doing it. U cant help nobody until they want help.
I slept with a man to make me feel "loved" and "worthy". I slept with a man I KNEW was probably sleeping with someone else because I thought he could "fix" me. I gave away my self and my self respect to be held cuz I thought it would make me feel better about myself. It didnt. It brought more pain into my life than before I thought I needed to feel better. All that to say...U are the master of ur fate...and the person who controls ur destiny and emotions. Not ur circumstances, not ur mother, ur father or ur boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, spouse, or mistress. YOU ARE! Once u realize that u take the power back.
I love the silence now. I live for it. I love on myself, hug myself and tell ME I'm beautiful because God says so. And so when I go back out into the world I'm a whole person on a mission to express my wholeness to everyone I come in contact with.
It's just u in the mirror. Only you when the lights go down. Decide what U want and live that way. Heal ur hurt about what others did to u and live despite it. It'll make u stronger and ur light will shine brighter. Live ur truth...be clear and honest. It will make for a better u. I swear.
Over and out
JOBG