So work was...work! I get so tired of working on somebody's job. But I definitely dont wanna be ungrateful of my blessing. So on to something more important. I've come to a couple of epiphany( i think that's how u spell it...someone get me THESARUS!)
What's on my immediate mind is something I shouldnt even be bothered with. MINDIN OTHER FOLKS BUSINESS! (wondering why Goapele is cursing in this song...Goapele curses?) But that's not what I'm minding. I'm minding the fact that I want a relationship with someone who doesnt want one with me. I kno the melodrama...but this one's interesting bc it's not a romantic relationship. Even though there I times I find myself intrigued by this young man...his friendship is much more of an asset than anything the other else. But what is it about the opposite sex....no matter how much u "just friends" it...even if u've known each other since babies and pacifiers...u begin to wonder if jus for a moment? Fear usually haults that feeling BUT u still thinkin it. So at this moment I aint go'n lie Im thinking it. But there's much I dont kno about him or his situation.
We're far away buddies and I want to bring the distance closer. But I am learning (emphasis on the "learning") to understand jus because u want something to be doesnt mean its meant to be. I find myself in deep desire of worthy friends. I have ONE to name and even she and I part ways on some things. Am I asking too much? Maybe...but I dont think so.
I gave this far away friend some advice that I haven't been following. God gives u the same lesson till u learn it. I'm always reaching for something out of my grasp...if only by a few inches...it's still not there. I have to take it as God saying I'm either not ready for it yet or its not for me.
I'm not really dealing with men or the romantic level for a while (emphasis added!!!!) And for me that step is huge so I dont kno really what I want out of this young man other than closer friendship. I came at him on some other stuff very early on but now I'm sincere JUST FRIENDS. Is it wrong to be bummed that my intuition is telling me that that's just not what he wants?
My wise beyond her years lil sis said "Maybe he's afraid of what it'll mean for yall to be closer (given he has a steady eddy...or rocky eddy to be more specific)?" And darnit if it didnt cross my mind but DANG give me that option! Im a super cool chick...and I just want friendship. Sometimes I really feel like a motherless child on the friendship level cuz everyone NEW keeps me at arms length. It may be there own hangups but GRACIOUS...GET OVER IT! U kno?
But back to me minding other folks bizness. As I've stated he has a steady eddy...he dont go into much detail but i predict cloudy days with this chica. I'm a good judge of character that way and also...I jus FEEL it. They got too many road blocks. And like with most of my male friends I see it waaaay before they see it. She aint the one for u. U may THINK she's the one but...she's not.
He says she deals with his baggage. And I'm thinking "finger clap"...but SO? And we all come with baggage and secrets to tell. Stop thinking ur so broken that only someone who "deals" with ur baggage will be able to make u happy. Other than that...does she make u happy? Huh? My secret intuition tells me no.
Another thing is that I have a motto goin into '09. "IM TOO GROWN FOR THIS!" And i mean it. Yes I'm only 21, yes I realize I have alot of life ahead of me but I've also lived alot of life too. Lots of dysfunction and an abusive relationship later...I'm still here. I've always had a very small tolerance for what I like to call "kiddy shit". (Lord forgive me for cursing). But now the tolerance is even higher. I DONT NEED, LIKE IT OR RECIEVE IT. And this far away friend seems to be surrounded by it. On top of the fact that he's a little wet behind the ears himself. But he's wise beyond that.
We share similar interests and he has a beautiful heart that I can see so clearly. He just seems to be so bogged down in stuff. And in my codependent mind I want to "help" save him. He has so much "potential" that I see. Eurika! And there enlies the problem. I'm always trying to save or be saved by people. Broken people need saving. People who understand themselves no how to SAVE themselves. I need to start looking for healthy relationships not so much in need of all this "saving" and "fixing".
But far away friend is good for a laugh, and a cry and a realization of things I've gone through. He's a good second opinion and I find myself entraced with his intriguing nature. Ok now it sounds like I'm interested in him again. I'm NOT! When I think clearly play the whole tape...I am soooo...not. I'm attracted to things ABOUT him but as I've said before I'm at arms length,so there are many things I dont kno..important things, things that may make me see him in different lighting. He has not deemed me "worthy" of close contact so I can only go on what I know about his past actions. Which is not too bad judge of character, kno?
I care alot about what others think of me (ergo epiphany! i kno i spelled it right that time). I always have. I want people to LIKE me. But truth is not everybody's gonna like u. I've heard it time and again but now...I get it. No matter how u sing, dance, jigg, fix, help, love, kiss, touch, caress, cry, beg, plead...if somebody doesnt like u. They-just-don't-like-u. And that's touchy and it hurts when u equate ur worth to the way others view u. But truth? It dont matter what they think if U KNO that ur a good person. And I kno I am.
I jus wish far away friend and some collection of others did. But even if they dont... even if something in their life story hinders them from seeing how absolutely FREAKIN AWESOME i am. It's their loss. But somehow I feel it's mine. Somehow I still think if I had done this different, done that, been this, said that that I'd get the desired result. Reality is...that aint go'n happen. See above qoute...If they...and so on.
I find myself saying...I'm a better poet than her, I look better than her, she's got a a natural, mine's prettier. I'm thinner, I have better skin....WHY DONT U LIKE MEEEEE! That's the insecure little girl inside screaming for attention. Pick me, like me, love me, accept me. I'm good..look see? But truth? It wont help...see above quote.
Its gonna be a long and painful road ahead with many closed doors. I have to thank God for the closed doors. I have to thank God for the lack of new emails in my inbox. I have to thank God for the phone that doesnt ring, the friend who doesnt write or call back. I have to thank Him because he's teaching me. He's making me stronger. Cuz u kno what I hear Him say with all of the silence. You dont need them...U CAN DO THIS! All by yourself.
I hope I can believe that.
Till next time
JOBG
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